Marriage and Divorce

I have been thinking a lot about marriage recently. That is probably due to the fact that one year ago I was in the process of filing for divorce from my wife. We were having some rough times and we were both ready to bail. We had been separated for several months and it looked as if we would just be another statistic.

However, by the grace of God alone, we were reconciled. My wife was moved to approach me with the idea of patching things up and I was moved to accept. Now, a year later, we are doing incredibly well. With the help of a wonderful counselor, solid friends, and a new church family...we have become a beautiful example of mercy, reconciliation, and redemption (instead of a statistic).

In the midst of my personal reflection on the issue of marriage and divorce, I had a conversation with a friend at work. Both of us lamented the fact that the American evangelical church has neglected any strong condemnation of adultery, divorce, or remarriage while simultaneously holding up a megaphone on the issue of homosexuality. I believe that the current lazy attitude of Christians about divorce is just as harmful (probably more so) than any homosexual agenda in America.

With all of this in mind I felt compelled to briefly lay out my view on what the Bible says about marriage, divorce, and adultery. I speak to this with first-hand (painful) experience and I welcome any comments:

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MY POSITION

The intent of God in making a man and a woman was for them to be bound together in covenant love (marriage) as an earthly example of the relationship between Christ and the church.
Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5

The covenant promise of marriage is unretractable unless one member dies.
1 Corinthians 7 and Romans 7

Any issuance or acceptance of divorce by human beings is a result of man's depravity and not God's eternal plan.
Mark 10 and Matthew 19

If a man and woman divorce thru earthly administration, they are still married in God's eyes and any remarriage while the spouse is living amounts to adultery.
Luke 16 and Mark 10

The words of Matthew 19:9 are not intended to be a loophole that creates the one way out of marriage...particularly in light of the absolute statements of Jesus mentioned in Luke and Mark. Instead the passage refers to the dissolution of a betrothal (engagement) when the bride to be OR groom to be is found to be engaging in fornication. In that ancient context, the commitment to be married was far more serious than we take it today and the prospective couple were expected to both be virgins. Jesus is explaining that it is legitimate to halt the proceedings towards marriage if one partner is found to be unpure before the consummation occurs. This is backed up by the use of the Greek word for general sexually immorality and not the word for adultery, in translating the phrase "except for sexual immorality."

If you have been divorced, your spouse is alive, and you have remarried - stay in the new marriage. Despite the fact that your remarriage is adultery, it is also another covenant relationship. If you took these points to mean that you had to jump ship on the new marriage, it would only amount to breaking your oath twice opposed to once.

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Practically, I think it may be legitimate to undergo a civil decree of divorce if continued civil marriage would be physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually harmful to a spouse. However, it should only be done when reconciliation and separation will not work and only when it is done with an understanding that the marriage is still in effect by God's eyes...therefore, prohibiting remarriage.

I understand that these views are counter-cultural (even within the faith) and they can be hard to swallow in the realization of logistical hardship associated with the admonishment of no remarriage while the spouse lives. Nevertheless, if this interpretation of God's word is correct - the difficulties incurred do not overcome the truth of the matter.

I began holding this view a couple of years ago and when I was first vocal about it, I underwent a very practical test of my beliefs. I failed that test and I was ready to divorce my wife. God's mercy kept us together and I am thankful for that. I am hoping that God will move within his people to bring us into agreement about this issue so that we might make as strong of a stand on marriage, divorce, and adultery as we do on homosexuality for the sake of families everywhere.

As I researched background material for developing this view, I was sad to find few pastors and theologians willing to address the issue. It was a heartbreaking to find John MacArthur holding a different position, but heartwarming to find John Piper in agreement. See his detailed paper at:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/1986/1488_Divorce_and_Remarriage_A_Position_Paper/

The lack of preachers speaking up on the tragedy of divorce, the correlation of adultery and remarriage, and the issues associated with fornication and co-habitation (within the church) may be explained by the fact that few congregations have any substantial group of homosexuals amongst them (so we can rally all we want aganist that sin) - yet, almost all churches have multitudes of people who have been engaged in the other situations. It takes courage to speak up against these things when the audience is directly affected. It might even mean that the attendance and tithe go down hill...

I hope that this post has sparked some thought, moreover I hope it might be beneficial in dissuading anyone who might be thinking of divorce. Even though I only experienced the tip of the iceberg with my separation and filing, it was the most painful experience of my life.